Ari Moorehead

Ari Moorehead
Ari Moorehead

"Where you don't see me"
I live
Where you don't see me living.
I move
When you can't watch me moving.
I sing
When you don't hear me singing.

Don't be surprised to know:
Sometimes I sing alone.

I exist
Even breathing on my own,
In summer or winter
Noon and midnight,
I exist separately from you.

I breathe
Even when talking to others.
& I don't bother to pretend
That you don't exist separately
From me.

I'm not surprised to know:
Sometimes you sing alone.

Don't be surprised to know:
Sometimes I sing alone.

"Disappoint you"
My own intuition tells me
That sometimes I need to skip a class
Or have a smoke
Or drink some
Or shirk a couple responsibilities.

But my fear of disappointing you
Makes me stop doing
What I think I should be doing.
Or maybe doesn't stop me --
But creates a weight of regret on my heart.

Until I'm truly afraid
To look you in the eyes.
I know they'll want an answer from me.
But I've never been able to say,
"That's the way I am.
That is what I needed to do."

I think my answer
Is not good enough for you.

But I'm sure --
There have been times
When you own intuition tells you
It's that time again.

There have been times
When you needed a smoke.

And yet when I have one of those times,
You expect a logical answer for it.
I'm sorry
If I disappoint you.
I never wanted to.

"Untitled"
The way you are looking at me
Frightens me to death.
I know I must be quite a sight,
Since you have never seen me cry before.

But you should not look so worried.
I cry for all the dumb things in the world.
I cry because I know you love me.
I cry because you are beautiful.

But that doesn't make me beautiful,
and it doesn't make me love you back.

I'm going to cry
For daffodils
For white butterflies
For all the places we'll never see.

When we make love,
I forget who I am.
I want to cry every time,
But I don't want to scare you.

& every time,
I want to run away.
But I hold fast
While silent tears fall.

& you release yourself
Excrutiatingly,
& groan like you've never lived before this.
I can't remember anything before this.

"Slut"
I am slowly evaporating
Into the dark grey sky.
I do not know why I am afraid to be alone,
But your lust
Makes me feel more real.

I think that if I am alone,
There will be no one around
To remind me of how ugly I am.
I'll accidentally
Begin to love myself.

When you make me feel stupid,
And then fuck me anyway,
I begin to remember
How to really hate myself.
Thank you.

"Pregnant"
Destroy the outside world.
You can be inside me.
You can own my soul.
& together we'll destroy the world.

Creation, creation.
The bud of new life inside me.
You can own my mind.
& together we'll destroy the world.

A little haven of love we'll make.
With you, your heart and power inside me.
You can own me.
& together we'll destroy the world.

We'll plan & plan
To eliminate future possibilities.
Or we'll go flying by the seat of our pants.

This fresh child I hold in my womb.
You've tapped out the beauty inside me.
You can own this child.
& together we'll destroy the world.

"My Voice" 5/29/97 for Y
I have lost my voice.
I feel I have to work it all out.
I have to fight the truth
& gather up the disassembled pieces
& search the earth for that missing link
Which will make my life whole.

I've lost my voice, though.
I can't communicate to you,
Or anybody else,
How much
I need to get back in the driver's seat.
I need life to be controllable.

The demons and shadows
Run & skip around me in the darkness.
I am so afraid to be without you.
I fill my hours away from you
With those who aim to kill my soul
Which makes me miss you more.

I'm just so afraid.
I try to scream.
I try so hard to work it all out.
But I just can't.
I've lost my voice.
Will you speak for me, today?

Andrew
I can never understand what you are.
I can never know what it's like --
To be so out-of-control.

My place right now is just to sit and watch.
And make sure you know I'm here.
And hold your hand --
When you thought no hand could soothe you.

Being your lover means
Loving you through whatever curve you throw my way.
There's something out-of-the-ordinary about
All of us.
But underneath this --
You are simply a man.
And that is something I DO understand.
Healing the man is the first step
Towards healing what kills him.

What you've already given me is
More than anything I could ever have asked for.
And sometimes -- I catch myself in a thought
And see, suddenly, right now, I'm truly complete --
I'm truly happy.

Let me make you happy, then.
Let my pale skin and my round shoulders
Be the pieces that complete your puzzle.

Be happy in the knowledge that someone loves you --
Even when you've hurt her again and again.
What do you make of that?

I stand still now,
It's your move --
(So you make me your chess-piece
And give me the honour of your touch.)

Untitled
I am falling deeper into myself.
All the cigarettes and coffee and books in the world
Can't pull me out.
I fall deeper.
I avoid real, important talk.
We must avoid reality.
All of our blank hurry
And the busywork of returning calls,
Filling out forms,
Is used to blot out any emotion.

Even sex isn't real anymore,
Plastic men fuck plastic women.
And there isn't an ounce of warmth in it.
I'm sure even snakes fuck with warmth.
And I fall deeper.
The man who fucks me says he loves me.
But he lives for himself only.
So I live for myself, too.
I smoke for hours some days, or I drink.
Then I write my poetry, pretend to know myself.

I fall deeper.
I forget that poetry isn't really effective,
And bills must be paid.
And I still fuck men without hearts.
I still waste time escaping.
It seems strange that we spend our whole lives
Escaping ourselves,
But when it's time to escape forever,
We can't let go.

Your Georgia Peach
The wind is too strong --
My match keeps going out --
I can't light this damn cigarette.

I miss Joy.
Where has it gone to?
I take another long drag.
This is my train.

I don't know where I'm going yet,
The local takes me to Penn Station.
From here I might go anywhere,
Or I might go back home.

My money will take me as far as D.C.
But I don't want to go there.
There's nothing for me in Chicago.
I know too many people in Boston.

Can I hitch to Mexico?
There's too much art in the station.
I miss the honest concrete that art has replaced.
Maybe I ought to go South.

I count my bills again.
I can make my way from D.C. to Georgia.
That place has meaning for me still.
Is there a cheaper way to go?

I miss Atlanta's humidity. The City is too cold in March.
I've gone this far already.
Come and rescue your Georgia peach.

GLH
You love me!
You say you love me!
A tingle runs down my spine.
As I realize you are thinking of me right now.
So, so far away.
Before I let my eyes rest at night,
I realize our minds are one.
You are lying, same as me,
alone in your bed,
Thinking of me as I think of you.

You whisper, "I love you!"
& crawl in bed to let your legs brush against mine.
Your spirit belongs to me,
& I belong to you.
You live for me, and I for you.
We are one: no longer two!
And you say again, "I love you!"

Even 1000 miles, or wide blue sea
Can never destroy your love for me.
You say, "I love you!"
& I know it's true.
I see the twinkle in your eye.
& I'm afraid -- I touch your arm,
You take my hand,
You kiss my neck.
& I whisper back, "I love you!"

Mud
Dancing in the mud.
Heavy with the muck --
I have the freedom of the sky.

Dirty grey pigeons
Shake themselves like bright peacocks.
& the pretty peahen children run after.

Tiny brown boys have never looked cleaner.
Their little sneakers turning blacker and blacker.
Their cheeks full of laughter -- knees bruised sorely.

I hope the rain shall never come
To wash away this pure joy.
The rainbow never appeared half as beautiful as this.

Joy
I feel joy in my body --
Silent, still joy.
It comes to me from warm, naked bodies.
Which connect in the darkness.

You have soft hair,
& small blue eyes.
& white teeth & strong shoulders.
& I have as much as you do.
I am rich (as you are rich) in beauty.

I am made more beautiful by your presence.

Lord
Lord, give me the strength
To kiss your feet
As you kick me in the head.

O my king, give me the spirit
To love you
As you push me down to the ground.

Your highness, allow me please
To pray for the starving children
In Africa, in India, in China
As the TV transforms their cries
Into meaninglessness.

And I sit on my couch
And cry because I don't know how to act.

It's Summer Again
Summer
It's Summer again.
The tiny, intense sun should burn a hole in my memory.
But the shame still remains,
Until I can't remember anything --
But his hands & hair & strong thighs.

The Summer is humid.
& the icy lake water against my bare skin
Should freeze my anger.
But the hate remains.
I go through the motions of recovering,
Until I can't smell anything --
But the smoke in your hair.

The night air is thick & green.
The new sproutlings
Should ease my restless fear of the future.
I pretend to be busy and hurry along,
Until I can't feel anything --
But your sharp eyes burning into my soul.
It's Summer again.

Know Me/Know You
I know you by your walk.
Smooth & sensuous
& aware.

& your face is like any other's
So I know you by your walk.
How do you know me?

My hair is dark & long.
Hair can be cut.
My eyes are green-grey.

Eyes are deceptive.
I know you by your walk.
You know me, though.

You know me.

Falling
My purple death shrouds
A simple summer sheath
Indignity --
Parked on a plain country bridge
In Northern Georgia,
The engine is idle
& the radio whines of things
No man should experience.

I can imagine falling from this bridge
Into the lazy stream below
The water's shallow
& there are rocks, I know --
The strange fiend I knew so well
Only 5 minutes before
Still lays panting on top of me.

& I can imagine
Falling deep into the black sky,
A million miles away
The moon is calling to me --

The man-like dog
Whose car this is
Loves me.
& I know
Because this is what love is.

The Loneliness
At night I hear trickling drips of rain water
which thunder over a footstep which rings clear in the distance
approaching the subway platform
stiffen, in anticipation of the train which roars down the tunnel a mile
away.
I've waited half an hour and now the train pulls up.
I decide to walk.

Naked
I am naked. You say, "Cover yourself."
But I am waiting for a time
When I may be naked.
And prance naked. And lift
up my arms & dance & sing naked,
In your presence.
But not yet.
You are not ready.
And I will not be naked alone.

The Composer
Sometimes, it is better to have solitude.
I like to be cold and alone and isolated.
It's not so sad, I'm happiest alone.
Because I've rot with society too long.

I hear the radio
The music surrounds me, flowing and circular.
Like wallpaper.
A repeated pattern which will soon drive me mad.

And I really like the darkness and the deep, deep blue sky.
It is more brilliant on a cloudless, moonless, starless night than a million
suns
all burning together.
It leaves me longing like a halted love affair.
Or an unfinished dream

I like to hum
It keeps me sane.
A billion notes flood me.
And they must be released.

Ssh!

I'm composing.

Drugs and Telephones
Why have you stopped calling me?

I took a little blue pill at a quarter past.
And I'm feeling full.
The words give wings to my otherwise flightless thoughts.

It's not the talk so much.
It's when the talking's stopped.
The lengthy pauses
Where both parties come to full comprehension.

It's not the phones or the wires.
It's the sea.
It's in the salty, stinging water which crashes against the sand outside my
window.
The foam rising up and the clouds which are about to let forth all their
tears.

The sea speaks to me louder than man ever could.

Leaving is Easy
I just got up this morning at half past five like always.
And I just left.
And not even Andrew could have stopped me this morning.
I was freer than love.

I cried a little.
And then I brushed my hair.
And fed the dog.

And kissed him goodbye while he still slept.
I noticed nearly everyone looks like an angel when sleeping.

At about 8 am
I passed by a diner on the highway
And it reminded me of someplace I'd been before.
And I had to stop.

As I sat there, strumming my fingers on the formica and drinking my 3rd cup
of decaf,
I thought about how Andrew must have been feeling.
It had started to rain.
It was pouring in fact.

I got in my car.
And rolled down the windows
Because I like the smell of rain.
And it was dying down anyway.

I forgot it was Saturday.
He hadn't even woken up by the time I got home.
So I crawled back into bed.
And closed my eyes.

And felt how warm his back was.
And how soft his hair.

In the Dark
I lay,
Facing the digital alarm clock.
My face, centimetres from the glowing panel.
1:15 am, it says.

It's at this time I dream
Of other nights past,
Dreams lost,
Friends dead to me now,
I hear a footstep in the hall.

There's a light on across the street.
I wonder who those people are.
What are they thinking?
What are their silent midnight tears cried for?
The stairs creak.

I roll over,
Try to forget another little nightmare.
I shiver.
The door opens,
And I feign sleep.

At breakfast,
I will say nothing.

Greg
I tap the tank so Sputnik will
Come out and dance for me.
He dances his flowing fish ballet
Only for me.

A warmth fills me
In my soul a hole is filled
Now forever-filled, I cannot lose you.
I try to concentrate.

Silly sine waves flit in and out of my thoughts.
I can see your face.
I turn up the music.
But cannot drown out that
Damn trembling excitement.

Secrets
I ran and the ivory moon hit me full in the face.
And the sky shone navy blue.
No stars, no sounds.
The moon and I.
And we walked side by side.
And the cold rushed between our masses.
No sounds, no silence.
The moon and I.
And we whispered secret romances.
No stars, no sounds.
The moon and I.

Elly Sleeping
I never believed in angels
Until I saw my little girl
In a long pink nightie
Dreaming.
Probably of Kings and Queens
Rainbows and Daffodils.
And your mild little smile
Peeking out behind tousled red hair
Shows me how perfect you are.

I Miss You
I watched you leave for the last time this morning
through the frosted glass bathroom window.
It's 8 am, three hours have passed and I'm getting
used to the idea of your being gone.
I'm still lonely, though.

All my life I wanted to be seduced by
Rod McKuen and Autumn walks through arboretums.
So I can't apologize for missing your tenderness.
It's really too late to try again, I know.
Please.

Where the Heather Grows
I wait for a place where
purple heather grows proudly
hoping for ankles to tickle.

And in that place I will dance and sing
as never before and I will drop to
my bare, scraped, skinny, little girl knees
and clasp my hands to say, "Amen!"

Insomnia
Sitting up in bed,
Flipping through muted channels,
I look to my right,
Make sure you're still in slumber-bliss.
You grin,
Like the labrador when he's
Caught that elusive cat in his dreams.
But you dream of conquering the world.
There's a crying man on the TV.
He's been dumped, can't you see?
(I've memorized all the infomercials now)
And that darned psychic televangelist
Told him it'd happen.
Send us your money
$2 for the first 3 minutes.
You adjust your slim hips,
Tangle your long legs horribly
In the musky cotton sheets.

I'm thinking about my mother,
the TV blinks out,
Another black-out.
I sigh - I wanted to sleep anyway.
I reach my arm round your waist,
And make my flesh meld to
Perfectly fit the curve of your back.

I close my eyes,
It's time to listen to the wind,
And the weird noises the pavement reflects.
It's all purple in the stale, summer air.
And I know you never wear purple.

Poetry Tour Buttons
Poetry

Page-

Back Next

Send comments or suggestions to:

tara, tara@fairyweb.com